Welcome to my blog. I’m a psychologist and the co-author (with Gary Chapman) of When Sorry Isn’t Enough. I share tips about What to Say When challenging conversations arise. I’ll check back in frequently to chime in on the conversation here.
Scenario:
Dana and Keith have been married for 3 months. During the two years that they dated, Keith had always been romantic and thoughtful. However, he was acting like a different person now that she had a wedding ring on her finger.
Last night, they went out to dinner with another couple. More than once, Dana felt that Keith threw her under the bus with his stories. First, he joked about her poor driving skills. Later, he told a story about her forgetfulness. Admittedly, that story was amusing, but she had begun to resent its retelling. Dana’s mind swirled with troubling thoughts: was Keith still her ally? Would he turn out to be as insensitive as her father, who had too often teased and criticized her mother? When she thought about these concerns, Dana felt her heart speed up and her face flush. It was time to dive into this issue with her husband.
What to Say:
Dana: Honey, let’s turn off our phones and grab some coffee. I want to circle back and talk about the other night. You mean more to me than words can say, so I want to be sure we understand each other. Last night, my feelings were hurt when you joked about my driving and my foggy brain. Do you remember what I’m talking about?
Keith: Yes, I remember what I said but you’ve always laughed at those stories. You’re just being too sensitive.
Dana: No, I’m really serious about this. I don’t want us to get in a habit of putting each other down in order to get a laugh from others. I’ve let those two stories slide by before, but I don’t like them. I want to start a new practice in our marriage: let’s agree that we each have “veto power” over stories. Starting today, I veto those two stories. Do you have any stories you never want to hear me tell again?
Keith: No, I can’t think of any right now, but I’m willing to follow your lead on this. I apologize for having crossed the line from funny to unkind last night and I’ll file this away in my memory.
Dana: OK, thank you.
Why This Works:
Your husband can’t read your mind. Telling him directly that you want to see a particular change is your best bet for getting him to stop hurting your feelings. Sadness and anger are two sides of the same coin. With that being said, anger generally makes others retreat in fear while gently sharing sadness invites them to help you.
What Doesn’t Work:
Waiting for him to figure out what’s bothering you won’t work. Some people sulk or fume silently while building up a huge head of steam. That only serves to hurt your relationship. When you do tell your husband what’s bothering you, pent-up feelings are often overblown. Instead of listening to you calmly, he’s likely to feel defensive and react with anger.
Your Turn:
What do you think people should say when their feelings get stepped on?
I believe people should be open & honest about thier feelings. In return, thier partner/mate should be open and receptive of what the other partner/mate says. It doesnt matter how small or miniscule it may seem to one, you never know what life experiences may have them feel that way. No one wants to be reminded of something that didn’t feel good. I usually have the problem of deflection along with the above scenario. My partner will over talk me & then discuss something that he has a problem with while never addressing my concern. Afterwards he usually leaves & doesn’t call and sometimes he’ll apologize but not with the intent to not let it happen again. It always happens again and I end calling and mending the situation by letting him vent. Because of the lack of communication my feelings are constantly hurt and never dealt with. I feel like I’m disposable & my feelings don’t count. We’ve been together almost four years & have lived seperately for the last year of it. It’s quite hard to fix this communication issue. When do you just walk away?
He sounds Narscistic, and selfish. I think you already know what you want to do.
Erica and Dana, thank you for your words. They matter.