Today, I spent a super-enjoyable hour talking about the book I co-authored with Gary Chapman, When Sorry Isn’t Enough with Lynne Ford of WBCL radio. I talked with her about how to give a complete apology, what to do when you want an apology from someone else, how to teach children to apologize and more. I took questions about broken family relationships from several callers.
You can Listen to the interview here.
Also, I see on their website that you can order the CD of my program via snail mail from WBCL for $5 (free shipping is included).
New! Leave a comment here or under any of my posts this month or share this post and you’ll be entered in a drawing to win a $20 Amazon gift card from me.
Jen and Lynne,
I listend to the radio broadcast interview on WBCL, on Friday morning. It was very good, and got the better of my curiosity. I took the test at: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/apology/. I found that I had 2 apology languages that were almost a tie, while the other 3 were inconsequential. However,,, people that truly know me and my personality, know that depending on the offense and the offender, I may require up to all 5 apology languages, for the me to know the person is being sincere. I usually know people well enough, that if the offender is willing to go out of their “comfort zone” and apologize to me in a way that makes them uncomfortable, then i know they are truly making an effort to apololgize.
That being said: I am a man, and when I found part of the interview/discussion leaning toward men with explosive tempers, I found myself troubled by what was being said. May I offer some insight, in regards to the interview. For many decades, men were taught to be tough, (John Wayne syndrome), and not express their true feelings. WW II may have led to part of that also, On top of this, men are different “creatures” to begin with, than women. Men tend to internalize their struggles, where as women tend to vent more often.
I was one of those “explosive” men, and still can be from time to time. I tried to isolate my spouse and child, from the daily struggles of life, (balancing life, work, finances, and more), while facing the mistakes of poor choices. It’s God ordained that the man is supposed to be the provider and prtector of the family. But when the load gets to be too much, most men don’t know how to release that stress. We have been taught, by gererations before, and society, not to cry. I have been one of those men. No matter how hard life pushes at you, you just keep pushing back, no matter what the circumstances are, or who it affects.
It took a couselor, who is also a pastor, and a long time friend of the family, (marriages, deaths, and divorces), to show me the truth. I have lived a very hard life since birth. On top of my own poor choices, I have had to deal with the poor choices of generations before me. I suffered alot of heartache. The couselor told me, that i have had so much pain in my life, that to keep from feeling any more pain, I use anger as a defense mechanism.
I know the couselor is right, and anymore, I do my best to lest myself cry when i feel overwhelmed. I am not always perfect at doing that. So I sometimes still have an exposive temper, but am alot better than I used to be. I have truely believed in God since i was a child, and as i have let my walls down from the past I dealt with, and my own poor choices, I have allowed God to do alot of healing in my heart. That journey is not yet over, but i am alot closer than i was years ago.
My point is, that just because a man is explosive, doesn’t mean he is dangerous. That man probably has alot of past issues, that he hasn’t figured out how to deal with. It takes a belief in God on that mans part, and the right people in his life, to help him deal with the wounds that life has given him, and for many the wounds happen long before the man gets into a marriage relationship. Part of the help comes from the man being able to admit he isn’t as strong as he thought, and then accepting the help and support of others.
Part of this happens through the man finding a proper church and friends, that loves him enough, regardless of his faults, that will walk him through the healing process. I am on that road, but not done walking it. It may be a lifetime journey for me. I know it is for other friends I have, that have yeat to discover what i have. However, they seem to see something in me, that they want, and that keeps them pointed in the right direction. So maybe in the process of my own healing, I am helping otyhers to find the same.
– – – Mike – – –
Mike, thank you so much for sharing your reactions and insights here. You have a great way with words.
Thanks Jen,
Everyone has there own “unique” experieces and heartaches in life. Some of those were set in motion by people in our lives, before we were born. I may be being a bit forward so soon in this blog,,, but my birth parents died when I was about a year old, through murder/suicide. Unfortunately, even though my maternal grandparents, (who rasied me), planned on telling me when i got older. I found out through anther kid in my neighborhood through a different set of circumstances. My “parents” were “floored”, when i came home and asked them about it. it took me a few years,,, but God actually gavce me a peace about the situation,,, and showeed me that i was better off where i was, than where i would have been, had i been raised by my birth parents. I moved on, but was still trying to figure out my “identity” at the age of 9.
Even though I had a few friends that accepted me, I was caught beteen a 70’s lifestyle, and a 50’s upbringing, while still having a different outloook on life from a “normal kid” who had “real parents”. From a young age, I always had a different outlook on life, than most of my peers. maybe it was “Divine Wisdom”, but I thought about aspects of life, that most kids of my age, weren’t concerned about. Ironically, as a young teenager, I got along better with adults, than I did with kids my own age. i was actually told by a couple adults, that i seemed very mature for my age, but that didn’t brace me for what i was about to experience.
At the age of 14, I lost the “dad” that raised me. I was lost, and my “mom” couldn’t do anything for me. I “ran wild”, and got into drugs and alcohol for a few years. I had friends who were a “soundboard” at times, but I met a lot of friends who were huting through their own experiences in their lives. One friend i met, had just lost his brother, (through death), and he still had presents in his closet, that he had been plannig to give his brother, but never had the chance.
Looking back on my life, i now realize that most of my friends in my teenage years, had as many scars as i did, and I was somehow a “balance” in their lives, while I dealt with my own struggles. I was the “cohesive unit” that somehow held everyone togehter. I am now 45 years old, and while certain friends have gone away, others have remained, while I have also gathered new friends. I now see that i am that same “balance” in their lives, that everyone in my life continues to be. . At the same time, the friends I gained over the years, appreciated me for who I was, because they knew i didn’t play games. I was honest, and said exactly what I was thinking.
Back to my teenage years for a moment. Things got to the point, that mom “let me go to God” so God could deal with me directly.. I had several “sets of parents”, through friends, that actually raised me. I learned about life, and friends, and how important family was, and they made sure I never completely lost touch with “my mom”. But at the same time, I needed more than “Mom” could give me. There was a certain “continuity” that mom couldn’t give me, and that was a closeness of family, that I lost when my dad died.
Part of the point of this is… that I somehow chose most of my friends, based on a certain amount of direction from God, even though i was living in rebellion to God when He took my “dad” from me
This is a brief outline of my life, up and to about the age of 18. From this point forward, the scars I accumulated , matched what i went through previously. Some of the major ones, weren’t by my choice, but alot of them up to present day, actually were.
I’m going to opent this up to anyone else,,, and let anther person speak. Hopefully someone will. My life is open for examination so far,,, and it is ony by vulnerability,,, that anyone finds healing from their past. That is where a loving church, and good friends, become a part of a persons life, as long as they are willing to deal with their past. I have so many friends, through my own experiences, that i wish would do the same i am doing.
– – – Mike – – –