Welcome to my blog. I’m a psychologist and the co-author (with Gary Chapman) of When Sorry Isn’t Enough. I share tips about What to Say When challenging conversations arise. I also consult with companies about apologies. I’ll check back in frequently to chime in on the conversation here.
“Taking responsibility for mistakes is more important than taking credit for good things.” actress Emily Deschanel, on the best advice her mother gave her. In Guideposts August 2007, p. 22.
How should we take responsibility for our mistakes? Will the same few words unlock the dog house door for everyone?
Before Gary Chapman and I wrote When Sorry Isn’t Enough, we asked 400 people what they look for in a sincere apology. We found that their answers fell into these five categories (we call them ‘apology languages’):
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Apology Language #1: Expressing Regret “I am sorry.”
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Apology Language #2: Accepting Responsibility “I was wrong.”
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Apology Language #3: Restitution-Making Amends “What can I do to make it right?”
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Apology Language #4: Genuinely Repenting “I want to change.”
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Apology Language #5: Requesting Forgiveness “Will You Please Forgive me?”
Next, we asked everyone to rank these five elements in order of preference. We thought the evidence for sincerity would differ from person to person- and it did. After all, why are some victims satisfied by a pay-off in a court case and others just want face-to-face words? Why do we hear a public apology and then disagree with others about the sincerity of the apologizer?
The results of our survey are simple: None of the five areas got more than 40 percent of respondents saying that’s what they were looking for. This means that you can’t simply guess about what another person would like to hear from you in your apology.
Bottom Line: It’s essential that people cover all five of these key criteria for a public apology to be truly successful. If you offer an apology but you miss the apology language of the other person, your apology is likely to fall flat.
Your Turn:
What do you most like to hear in an apology?
[…] If it was you who caused the issue, apologize and clear up the misunderstanding. It’s better to address the problem sooner, rather than later. The longer you put it off, the harder it can become to make things right again. It’s hard- after all few people are eager to admit their own wrongdoing. But only by apologizing can you mend the relationship between you and your co-worker. If you are apologizing, then follow the advice in my earlier post: ‘I’m Just Not Feeling It. Why So Many Apologies Fall Flat’. […]