Dana and Keith have been married for 3 months. During the two years that they dated, Keith had always been romantic and thoughtful. However, he was acting like a different person now that she had a wedding ring on her finger.
Last night, they went out to dinner with another couple. More than once, Dana felt that Keith threw her under the bus with his stories. First, he joked about her poor driving skills. Later, he told a story about her forgetfulness. Admittedly, that story was amusing, but she had begun to resent its retelling. Dana’s mind swirled with troubling thoughts: was Keith still her ally? Would he turn out to be as insensitive as her father, who had too often teased and criticized her mother? When she thought about these concerns, Dana felt her heart speed up and her face flush. It was time to dive into this issue with her husband.
What to Say:
Dana: Honey, let’s turn off our phones and grab some coffee. I want to circle back and talk about the other night. You mean more to me than words can say, so I want to be sure we understand each other. Last night, my feelings were hurt when you joked about my driving and my foggy brain. Do you remember what I’m talking about?
Keith: Yes, I remember what I said but you’ve always laughed at those stories. You’re just being too sensitive.
Dana: No, I’m really serious about this. I don’t want us to get in a habit of putting each other down in order to get a laugh from others. I’ve let those two stories slide by before, but I don’t like them. I want to start a new practice in our marriage: let’s agree that we each have “veto power” over stories. Starting today, I veto those two stories. Do you have any stories you never want to hear me tell again?
Keith: No, I can’t think of any right now, but I’m willing to follow your lead on this. I apologize for having crossed the line from funny to unkind last night and I’ll file this away in my memory.
Dana: OK, thank you.
Why This Works:
Your husband can’t read your mind. Telling him directly that you want to see a particular change is your best bet for getting him to stop hurting your feelings. Sadness and anger are two sides of the same coin. With that being said, anger generally makes others retreat in fear while gently sharing sadness invites them to help you.
What Doesn’t Work:
Waiting for him to figure out what’s bothering you won’t work. Some people sulk or fume silently while building up a huge head of steam. That only serves to hurt your relationship. When you do tell your husband what’s bothering you, pent-up feelings are often overblown. Instead of listening to you calmly, he’s likely to feel defensive and react with anger.
Your Turn:
What do you think people should say when their feelings get stepped on?
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I love this way of dealing with hurt feelings in relationships.
Thank you for your comment. Hurt feelings are so tricky- How to share them? How to get over them? Readers, we can figure this out together.
I love it! But, what happens when you are hurt and it’s really hard to express yourself?
We know that anger generally makes others retreat in fear while gently sharing sadness invites them to help you. You can start off any conversation with this phrase, “Because I value you/our relationship, may I circle back to something that happened a while ago?” If they agree, then you could talk about what you remember and ask whether they agree that’s what happened. If this feels too hard, perhaps write them a letter or get a (new) counselor involved to help you.
what if it happens again after I’ve told him such things he says hurt my feelings?
Julie, what you describe is unacceptable. People should avoid hurting our feelings. If we say “ouch,” they should not do it again. If it’s a pattern, additional measures are needed. This book by another author might be helpful: https://amzn.to/2GY0yWC
If I say what hurts me. He will do the very things that I said that hurt me.
Amanda, I’m sorry to hear about this. My reply to Julie (above) might also fit the bill for you. Best wishes!
hi
I really find this very helpful