Before Gary Chapman and I wrote When Sorry Isn’t Enough, we surveyed 400 people about what they look for in sincere apologies. We found that their answers fell into these five categories (we call them ‘apology languages’):
Apology Language #1: Expressing Regret
“I am sorry.”
Apology Language #2: Accepting Responsibility
“I was wrong.”
Apology Language #3: Restitution-Making Amends
“What can I do to make it right?”
Apology Language #4: Genuinely Repenting
“I want to change.”
Apology Language #5: Requesting Forgiveness
“Will You Please Forgive me?”
Next, we asked our survey respondents to rank these five elements in order of preference. We thought the evidence for sincerity would differ from person to person- and it did! After all, why are some victims satisfied by a pay-off in a court case and others just want face-to-face words? The results were that none of the five areas got more than a 28 percent of respondents saying that’s what they were looking for. That means they are all of basically equal importance.
Bottom line: It’s essential that people cover all five of these key criteria for a public apology to be truly successful. Based upon our research, I now offer consultations on how to provide five star apologies.