I met my husband during college. We dated for two years before talking seriously about getting married.
When we told my sister (Elisabeth) and future brother-in-law (Bill) that we were talking about marriage, Bill gave me some advice that I’ve never forgotten. He said, “Get pre-engagement counseling before you buy a ring.”
Other than the required meetings with our minister, I had never really thought about pre-engagement counseling so I asked Bill to tell me about their experience. He said it’s the same as pre-marital counseling, but you do it before the wedding train gets moving. If you run into concerns, it’s easier to apply the brakes because your families and wedding planners have not yet swung into action.
J.T. and I took Bill’s advice. At the time, we were attending Grace Fellowship Church in Maryland. They offered an 8-week class for couples who were seriously dating or engaged. We attended the group sessions, read some books for homework, took a relationship inventory, and were mentored by an older couple in the church.
Near the end of the class series, J.T. surprised me by proposing to me in the chapel at the University of Virginia (our alma mater). I said “Yes” with many hopes and few fears. We set our wedding date 9 months ahead and began the frenzy of wedding preparations. J.T. was working full time and I was in a doctoral program in psychology. To say we were busy would be an understatement.
In hindsight, I think it would have been very hard to focus on relationship problems if we had needed to slow things down. Once the venue has been booked and invitations have been ordered, the deal is nearly done.
I’m grateful for Bill’s advice because it balanced things out for us. We spent time planning for marriage as well as for our wedding. Was our early marriage easy? No, but I went in with my eyes open and my feet on the ground. I married my best friend and we’ve weathered the hard times together.
One final point: my parents say that a wedding should be about the creation of a long-term marriage; not focused on a one-day performance. Our advice to couples who are dreaming of their wedding day is to spend an equal or greater amount of time preparing to be a happily married couple.