Welcome to my blog. I’m a psychologist and the co-author (with Gary Chapman) of When Sorry Isn’t Enough. I share tips about What to Say When challenging conversations arise and I welcome your thoughts and questions. I’ll check back in frequently to chime in on the conversations here.
What does it take to have happy, healthy relationships? Do you treat your family members as well as you treat others in your life?
Maddie is a mother of two grown daughters and one step-son. She and Nathan have been married for 10 years. They have little joy in their marriage but they are committed to staying together for the long haul.
Maddie asked me for marriage tips because they argue nearly every day and they have little closeness. I gave her these 4 pieces of advice:
- My recipe for success at home is to reign in criticism. Think carefully before you speak.
- Arguing daily is like cutting into the tree of your marriage with a hatchet. Don’t fall into this bad habit.
- Replace caustic comments with compliments. Everyone appreciates praise.
- Treat your spouse and other family members with the same kindness and respect you give to your co-workers.
John, a participant at one of my seminars asked me what to say to breathe life into his dying marriage. This was no small request! During a break, we talked about how he could turn over a new leaf with his wife. Later, he shared these thoughts that he went home and bravely offered to his wife:
- I am sorry that I have been going all the time, pushing, neglecting, not listening, not respecting, not showing interest, not supporting your life. I am sorry that I have tried to make us look good instead of being good.
- I was wrong and I accept the responsibility of working towards a solution. I have created hurts, emotional strains, anxiety on us and stress in many areas.
- I believe that time will help me to make things right for you. I know there are years of hurts I’ve created.
- Repentance is a change of mind that produces a change of direction. If you will accept my apology, I am more than willing to work on changing. I request your forgiveness.
John reported back that his wife was thunderstruck by what he shared. She had never heard him apologize without adding the word “but.” They talked late into the night about changes they could make to rebuild their trust.
When you think about your closest relationships, do you feel like you are on the right track? Do you speak with the understanding that angry words from you could cause permanent scars? Would an apology from you go a long way towards making peace? If so, don’t delay. Begin the new year with some reflection on your most important relationships. Write a letter of apology or appreciation to your life partner. Remember it’s the quality of our relationships that determines our satisfaction with life.
Your Turn:
What is the best marriage advice you have ever given or received?
How do you keep your closest relationships on track?