Welcome to my blog. I’m a psychologist and the co-author (with Gary Chapman) of When Sorry Isn’t Enough. I share tips about What to Say When challenging conversations arise. I’ll check back in frequently to chime in on the conversations here.
It’s been said that couples usually only argue about one or two things. The problem is that they have the argument over and over in various forms. Research has shown that the top four areas of relationship conflict are: money, sex, communication, and parenting. For today’s post, I’m going to offer a list of practical phrases you can use to help tame money arguments.
First, begin and end the conversation with phrases that show your love, appreciation, and commitment.
- I care about you and I don’t want us to end up arguing about money.
- You are more important to me than any issue about our bills.
- We’ll get through this together.
- This is a challenging time for us financially but we’ve made it through tough things before.
- I’m thankful for all that you contribute to our family.
- You are a hard worker.
- I really appreciate how you help us save money.
Second, say what you wish could be true if it will validate the other person:
- I wish we didn’t have this stress to deal with.
- I wish our bank account would smile at us more often.
- I think your requests are reasonable and I wish I could say “yes” to more of them.
Third, focus on prioritizing:
- Given our situation, let’s map out a plan for getting ahead financially.
- What are your top priorities for our spending? Saving? Giving to charity?
- Do you have any suggestions about how we can better control or track our spending?
- What do you think about the idea of us checking in with each other before making purchases of __x__ amount?
- What financial changes would you most like to see me make?
- Two of our limited resources are time and money. Where can we cut back on some things? Should we take on more jobs in order to earn more money? On the other hand, are we too short on time and do we need to hire others to do some things for us?
When you talk about money, focus on being open and non-defensive. Ask open-ended questions. Avoid criticizing your spouse because that really won’t go well. Trust that the other person has good judgment and has your best interests at heart. Begin with an open mind rather than assuming you have all the answers. Good communication and better finances will be your rewards.
Your thoughts:
How do you tackle financial discussions?