Welcome to my blog. I’m a psychologist and the co-author (with Gary Chapman) of When Sorry Isn’t Enough. I share tips about What to Say When challenging conversations arise and I welcome your thoughts and questions. I’ll check back in frequently to chime in on the conversations here.
“Good relationships are four parts liking each other and seven parts forgiveness.” Quote by Jennifer Thomas
Gary Chapman is known as “The Love Language Man.” His New York Times book, The Five Love Languages, selling over 9 million copies, has become a classic. To have blissful relationships, showing love is a must. To have happy friends and co-workers, showing appreciation is essential. Recently, Dr. Chapman has embraced a second necessary ingredient for healthy relationships: dealing with offenses through apologies and forgiveness. In May, Gary Chapman and I released When Sorry Isn’t Enough, which tells readers how to make things right with anyone. We believe that these two books fit together like a hand in a glove. Both sets of tools are needed to make relationships work.
Today, most engaged couples know that they need to learn each others’ love languages. Yet they will not be fully equipped for their journey without the matching insight: their languages of apology. Whether in love relationships, friendships, or the workplace, love languages and apology languages are practical tools for cementing your relationships.
Since our book on apologies was released, we’ve gotten very positive feedback. One person who emailed me gave me permission to share her thoughts with you:
Do you remember me telling you that I taught on apologies from your book at adult Sunday school at my church? Well, I had an opportunity yesterday to put your techniques to work. Someone at church was deeply offended about something that was partially my doing. I talked with the person one-on-one, and did my best to incorporate all five apology languages. Whether this person will forgive, I cannot say. But I was soooooo glad to have had the information from your book to fall upon. I thought you might want to know,
(From my friend)
Also, I received this email from an astute man:
Thanks again for your time at Kiwanis last Thurs. Really great insights for managing relationships. My wife and I have had significant arguments about whether or not the other apologized. I haven’t apologized unless I make it very clear that I was wrong, and she hasn’t apologized unless she makes it clear to me that the future will be different. Appreciating our different attitudes at least gives us the opportunity (whether or not we take it is another story) to apologize to the other in language they understand and appreciate.
(From an attendee at one of my seminars)
Are you in a pickle with someone today? Here is a “Cliff Notes” version of both concepts for you to use. Relationships at home and at work can be very challenging. Don’t give up. Use these practical ideas for getting out of any jam with others.
Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages:
- Gifts- For some people, what makes them feel most loved is to receive a gift.
- Acts of service- Remember that for some people, actions speak louder than words.
- Words of affirmation- Say, write, or text encouraging words to other people.
- Quality time- This language is all about giving the other person your undivided attention.
- Physical touch- To this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch.
NEW! Our 5 Languages of Apology:
- Express regret- Say “I’m sorry for the hurt I’ve caused.”
- Accept responsibility- Say “I was wrong.”
- Make restitution- Ask, “What can I do to make things right?
- Genuinely repent- State how you will change so you will not do it again.
- Request forgiveness- Ask, “Will you please forgive me?”
Which do you think needs to come first: Love languages or apology languages?
In your experience, what part of an apology do too many people omit?