Why we avoid conversations and what it costs us

By Dr. Jennifer Thomas

We’ve all done it.

We tell ourselves we’re just waiting for the right moment — for things to cool off, for the words to come more easily. But more often than not, those moments don’t come.

And the silence between us grows.

What could have been a brief and honest exchange turns into a long season of tension, distance, or quiet emotional exhaustion.

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In my counseling practice, I often meet people who have carried years of frustration because they were too afraid to speak up.

They feared being misunderstood.
They feared hurting someone.
They feared what would happen if they told the truth.

So instead, they said nothing — and quietly withdrew.

But unspoken things don’t disappear. They settle in and shape how much we trust, how safe we feel being known, and how deeply we’re willing to stay connected. We might smile and say we’re “fine,” but inside we’re longing to be seen.

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The irony is, the conversation we dread most is often the one we need the most.

It doesn’t have to be dramatic. It doesn’t have to come with conflict.
When approached with care, clarity, and kindness, hard conversations can become turning points — not breaking points.

When people learn to speak not just truth, but truth in a language the other person understands, everything changes. That’s the heart of The 5 Apology Languages™ — not just learning to say “I’m sorry,” but learning to say it in a way that heals.