Have you ever found yourself lying awake at night, replaying an argument or betrayal over and over in your mind? Perhaps you've noticed how that knot of resentment in your chest seems to tighten with each passing day, affecting your sleep, your relationships, and even your physical health. If so, you're experiencing what many of my clients describe as the heavy burden of unforgiveness.

In my years as a psychologist and researcher at my practice, I've witnessed how unresolved hurt can transform from an emotional wound into something that affects nearly every aspect of our wellbeing. One client—let's call her Rebecca—came to me after her divorce, saying, "I feel like I'm carrying around a backpack full of rocks. I know I need to forgive him to move on, but I don't even know where to start."

Rebecca's experience highlights an important truth: forgiveness isn't just a moral issue—it's a mental health decision with profound implications for our psychological and physical wellbeing.

Why Forgiveness Is Hard—But Essential

When someone hurts us deeply, our brains actually process that emotional pain in regions similar to those that register physical pain. This is why betrayal, abandonment, or emotional abuse can feel as devastating as a physical injury. The wound may be invisible, but the suffering is very real.

I remember working with Michael, a successful executive who appeared to have everything together on the outside. But inside, he was struggling with insomnia, anxiety, and increasingly frequent panic attacks. When we explored the root causes, we discovered that he was still carrying unprocessed pain from his father's emotional absence during childhood.

"I never thought these things were connected," he told me during one session. "I assumed I had moved on years ago."

This is what makes forgiveness so challenging—and so essential. The emotional wounds we carry don't simply disappear with time. Instead, they often manifest as anxiety, chronic stress, relationship difficulties, and even physical symptoms that seem unrelated to their source.

Forgiveness psychology serves as a bridge between clinical psychology, behavioral health, and emotional healing. It offers us a pathway not just to release others from blame, but to release ourselves from the ongoing pain of holding onto hurt.

The Psychological Toll of Unforgiveness

Emotional and Physical Effects

When we refuse to forgive—or when we attempt to forgive before we've fully processed our hurt—we create a state of internal conflict that affects our entire being.

Sarah, a woman in her forties who attended one of my workshops, described it perfectly: "It's like I've been running a marathon every day for years, but I never get to cross the finish line. I'm exhausted, but I can't seem to stop."

Research confirms Sarah's experience. Studies have shown that harboring resentment leads to:

•Elevated heart rate and blood pressure

•Increased stress hormones like cortisol

•Disrupted sleep patterns

•Compromised immune function

•Greater vulnerability to substance abuse and eating disorders

What's particularly concerning is how unforgiveness can intensify symptoms of existing mental health conditions. For those already managing depression, bipolar disorder, or post-traumatic stress, unresolved resentment often acts as a significant barrier to healing.

The Mind-Body Connection

The connection between our emotional state and physical health is far more profound than many people realize. I've worked with numerous clients who sought help for physical symptoms—chronic pain, fatigue, digestive issues—only to discover that unresolved emotional trauma was a contributing factor.

Neuroscience helps explain this phenomenon. When we experience trauma or deep hurt, our brains create powerful memory networks that include not just the narrative of what happened, but also the emotions, physical sensations, and beliefs associated with that experience. These networks can be triggered years later, creating what feels like a fresh experience of the original pain.

Lisa, a woman in her thirties, came to me complaining of unexplained chest tightness and difficulty breathing. Medical tests had ruled out physical causes. During our work together, she realized these symptoms intensified whenever she encountered situations that reminded her of her emotionally volatile ex-partner.

"It's like my body remembers what happened, even when I'm trying not to think about it," she observed.

This mind-body connection underscores why forgiveness isn't simply an intellectual exercise or moral choice—it's a whole-person process that requires attention to both psychological and physiological aspects of healing.

What Science Says About Healing Through Forgiveness

The Mental Health Benefits

The research on forgiveness is both extensive and compelling. Studies consistently show that people who practice genuine forgiveness experience:

•Lower rates of anxiety, irritability, and anger

•Reduced symptoms of depression

•Improved sleep quality

•Enhanced immune function

•Better cardiovascular health

•Stronger, more satisfying relationships

These benefits aren't just subjective improvements—they're measurable changes in both psychological and physiological functioning. This is why forgiveness has been incorporated into various therapeutic approaches, including cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), acceptance and commitment therapy, and somatic experiencing.

I've seen these benefits firsthand in my practice. James, a veteran struggling with both PTSD and unresolved anger toward military leadership decisions, found that as he worked through a forgiveness process, his hypervigilance decreased, his sleep improved, and he was able to be more present with his family.

"I didn't realize how much energy I was spending on anger until I started letting it go," he told me. "It's like I've reclaimed parts of myself I thought were gone forever."

Forgiveness ≠ Forgetting

One of the most damaging misconceptions about forgiveness is that it means excusing harmful behavior or pretending it never happened. This couldn't be further from the truth.

In my work with survivors of abuse, betrayal, and trauma, I emphasize that forgiveness is not about:

•Denying that you were hurt

•Minimizing the impact of what happened

•Reconciling with someone who remains unsafe

•Giving permission for further mistreatment

•Forgetting what happened

Instead, forgiveness is about:

•Acknowledging the full reality of what occurred

•Processing the associated emotions

•Releasing the grip that resentment has on your life

•Reclaiming your power and agency

•Creating boundaries that protect your wellbeing

As I often tell my clients, "Forgiveness is not something you do for the other person—it's something you do for yourself."

What Helps: Forgiveness as a Therapeutic Process

Self-Awareness Before Forgiveness

Meaningful forgiveness begins with honest self-reflection. Before you can release resentment, you need to understand exactly what you're holding onto.

I encourage clients to ask themselves:

•What specific emotions am I experiencing? Is it grief, guilt, fear, shame, or something else?

•Where do I feel these emotions in my body?

•Are there patterns here that connect to earlier experiences in my life?

•What unmet needs or violated values are at the core of my hurt?

Elena, a woman in her fifties, came to me struggling to forgive her adult daughter for a series of hurtful decisions. Through our work together, she realized that her intense reaction was connected to her own childhood experiences of being dismissed and invalidated by her parents.

"I'm not just responding to what my daughter did," she realized. "I'm responding to a lifetime of feeling unheard."

This kind of awareness doesn't make forgiveness automatic, but it does make it more authentic and sustainable. When we understand the layers of our hurt, we can address them more effectively.

Therapy and Trauma-Informed Support

For deep wounds—particularly those involving trauma, abuse, or significant betrayal—professional support often makes a crucial difference in the forgiveness journey.

Different therapeutic approaches offer different benefits:

•Traditional psychotherapy provides a safe space to explore complex emotions

•Grief counseling helps process the losses associated with betrayal or harm

•EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) can help reprocess traumatic memories

•Exposure therapy helps reduce the emotional charge of difficult experiences

•Group therapy offers validation and reduces isolation

I worked with Robert, who had experienced childhood emotional abuse, through a combination of approaches. Initially, he was skeptical about forgiveness.

"Why should I let my father off the hook?" he asked. "He's never even acknowledged what he did."

Over time, Robert came to understand that forgiveness wasn't about his father—it was about freeing himself from the ongoing effects of his father's actions. Through therapy, he was able to process his experiences in a way that allowed him to move forward without carrying the weight of resentment.

The Five Apology Languages

In my research with Dr. Gary Chapman, we've identified five distinct apology languages—five ways that people express and receive apologies. Understanding these languages can be transformative in both giving and receiving the kind of apologies that facilitate genuine forgiveness.

I've found that people often have a primary apology language—a specific form of apology that resonates most deeply with them. When someone receives an apology in their primary language, the path to forgiveness becomes much clearer.

Melissa and David came to me after David's emotional affair had nearly ended their marriage. Despite David's repeated apologies, Melissa couldn't move forward. When we explored her apology language, we discovered that while David had expressed regret ("I'm so sorry I hurt you"), what Melissa really needed was genuine repentance—a clear plan for how things would be different going forward.

Once David understood this, he was able to offer the kind of apology that Melissa could truly receive, creating a foundation for healing and eventual forgiveness.

What Helps vs. What Doesn't Help in the Forgiveness Journey

In my years of working with individuals and couples navigating forgiveness, I've observed several common approaches that actually hinder the healing process:

Suppressing emotions or rushing forgiveness prematurely. Many of us were taught to "forgive and forget" quickly, especially in certain religious or family contexts. But authentic forgiveness cannot occur until we've fully acknowledged and processed our hurt. Premature forgiveness often leads to what I call "forgiveness fatigue"—a cycle of saying we've forgiven while the resentment continues to simmer beneath the surface.

Seeking forgiveness primarily to reduce personal guilt. True apologies focus on the hurt person's healing, not on relieving the apologizer's discomfort. When someone apologizes mainly to make themselves feel better, it often creates additional hurt rather than healing.

Bypassing therapy or dismissing the long-term effects of psychological harm. Some wounds are too deep to heal without professional support. Expecting yourself to "just get over it" when you're dealing with significant trauma or betrayal sets you up for frustration and self-judgment.

Confusing forgiveness with reconciliation. These are related but distinct processes. Forgiveness is an internal release of resentment; reconciliation is the restoration of relationship. You can forgive someone without resuming a relationship with them, particularly if they remain unsafe or untrustworthy.

Using forgiveness as a weapon. Statements like "If you really loved me, you'd forgive me" or "I've apologized, so you have to forgive me now" turn forgiveness into a form of manipulation rather than healing.

I worked with a couple—Jennifer and Mark—who illustrated this last point perfectly. Mark had betrayed Jennifer's trust in a significant way, and whenever she expressed ongoing hurt, he would respond, "I said I was sorry. If you were really committed to our marriage, you'd forgive me already."

This approach only deepened Jennifer's pain and delayed genuine healing for both of them. True forgiveness cannot be demanded or coerced—it emerges naturally when the conditions for healing are present.

When to Involve a Mental Health Professional

While many aspects of forgiveness can be navigated independently, certain signs suggest that professional support would be beneficial:

•You find yourself ruminating on the hurt despite your best efforts to move forward

•You're experiencing symptoms of anxiety, depression, or PTSD

•You're using substances, food, or other behaviors to numb your feelings

•Your relationships are suffering because of your unresolved hurt

•You feel stuck in a cycle of anger, hurt, or victimhood

•The situation involves trauma, abuse, or significant betrayal

When seeking professional help, look for a therapist with experience in:

•Trauma-informed care

•Forgiveness therapy

•Cognitive-behavioral approaches

•Attachment-based therapy

•Grief and loss

Remember that seeking help isn't a sign of weakness—it's a sign of courage and self-awareness. As one of my clients beautifully put it, "Asking for help was the strongest thing I've ever done."

Long-Term Emotional Healing: Forgiveness as a Practice

Forgiveness isn't a one-time event but an ongoing practice—a way of relating to ourselves and others that promotes healing and growth. Here are some practices that support this journey:

Daily mindfulness and emotional awareness. Taking even a few minutes each day to check in with your emotions creates space for healing. Simple breathing techniques, meditation, or journaling can help process feelings as they arise rather than allowing them to accumulate.

Self-compassion. Many of us find it easier to forgive others than to forgive ourselves. Yet self-forgiveness is essential for wholeness. Treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer a good friend creates a foundation for all other forms of forgiveness.

Gratitude practice. Intentionally noticing and appreciating positive aspects of your life doesn't erase hurt, but it does help create balance and perspective. Research shows that regular gratitude practice actually changes brain function in ways that support emotional resilience.

Community and connection. Healing happens in relationship. Surrounding yourself with supportive people who respect your journey—neither pushing you to "just get over it" nor encouraging ongoing resentment—creates a container for authentic forgiveness.

I worked with a women's support group where this principle was beautifully demonstrated. Each woman had experienced significant betrayal, yet together they created a space where both honest expression of pain and movement toward healing were honored. Their mantra became, "We hold space for each other's hurt and for each other's healing."

Conclusion: The Journey Toward Wholeness

Forgiveness is not a shortcut or a simple solution—it's a form of mental health recovery that honors the reality of hurt while creating space for healing. It's about reclaiming peace, stability, and emotional clarity—not pretending the hurt never happened.

As you consider your own forgiveness journey, remember that there is no single "right way" to forgive. The path is as unique as you are, shaped by your experiences, values, and needs. What matters is that you move forward with self-awareness and self-compassion, taking whatever time you need to process your hurt authentically.

Whether you're dealing with a recent wound or carrying hurt from years or even decades ago, know that healing is possible. The capacity for forgiveness is part of our shared humanity—a gift we can give ourselves even when others have not earned it.

I invite you to take one small step today—perhaps simply acknowledging a hurt you've been carrying, or reaching out for support, or practicing a moment of self-compassion. Each step, however small, moves you closer to the freedom that forgiveness offers.

Additional Resources

•The 5 Apology Languages™: My book with Dr. Gary Chapman explores how understanding apology languages can transform relationships.

•Journaling Prompts for Exploring Forgiveness:

•What hurt am I still carrying, and how is it affecting my life?

•What would healing look like for me in this situation?

•What do I need to feel safe enough to consider forgiveness?

•Professional Support:

•Psychology Today Therapist Directory: Find therapists specializing in trauma, forgiveness, and healing

•National Alliance on Mental Health: Resources and support groups for mental health challenges

•International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies: Information on trauma-informed care

Dr. Jennifer Thomas is a psychologist, author, and speaker specializing in empowering people to strengthen their relationships through effective communication, forgiveness, and conflict resolution. She is the co-author of "The 5 Apology Languages" with Dr. Gary Chapman and "Making Things Right at Work" with Dr. Gary Chapman and Dr. Paul White.y of Forgiveness: What Helps—and What Doesn’t

Updated for DrJenniferThomas.com with therapeutic and trauma-informed language

I. Introduction: Why Forgiveness Is Hard—But Essential

• Forgiveness isn’t just a moral issue—it’s a mental health decision.

• Emotional wounds from trauma, addiction, divorce, or even verbal abuse can affect the brain like a physical injury.

• Unresolved pain can manifest as anxiety, insomnia, chronic stress, or even panic attacks.

• Introduce forgiveness psychology as a bridge between clinical psychology, behavioral health, and emotional healing.

• Overview of Dr. Jennifer Thomas’s expertise in apology languages and empathy-driven reconciliation.

II. The Psychological Toll of Unforgiveness

A. Emotional and Physical Effects

• Harboring resentment leads to emotional distress, elevated heart rate, and physiological stress responses in the nervous system.

• Unforgiveness has been linked to substance abuse, eating disorders, and sleep disturbances.

• Ongoing resentment may intensify symptoms of depression, bipolar disorder, and post-traumatic stress.

B. The Mind-Body Connection

• How psychological trauma can create real pain and fatigue.

• Neuroscientific evidence shows how traumatic memories and unprocessed emotions linger in the brain and body.

III. What Science Says About Healing Through Forgiveness

A. The Mental Health Benefits

• Lower rates of anxiety, irritability, and anger.

• Improved coping ability and mood regulation.

• Support from fields like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), acceptance and commitment therapy, and somatic experiencing.

B. Forgiveness ≠ Forgetting

• Clarify: forgiveness does not mean excusing violence, abuse, or psychological manipulation.

• It’s about reclaiming your own mental and physical well-being—not about tolerating ongoing harm.

IV. What Helps: Forgiveness as a Therapeutic Process

A. Self-Awareness Before Forgiveness

• Reflect on your feelings: Is it grief, guilt, fear, or shame?

• Identify patterns rooted in childhood trauma, domestic violence, or past relationships.

• Explore with a therapist, especially if forgiveness brings up traumatic stress.

B. Therapy and Trauma-Informed Support

• The role of psychotherapy, grief counseling, and online therapy in safe emotional processing.

• Consider eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) or exposure therapy for deeper emotional wounds.

C. The Five Apology Languages (per Dr. Thomas)

• How meaningful apologies impact the patient's healing trajectory.

• Distinguishing superficial “I’m sorrys” from reparative, emotionally intelligent actions.

• Why some forms of apology restore trust while others fall flat.

V. What Doesn’t Help: Mistakes That Delay Healing

• Suppressing emotions or rushing forgiveness prematurely.

• Seeking forgiveness to reduce personal guilt, not to restore the other’s emotional safety.

• Bypassing therapy or dismissing the long-term effects of psychological abuse, neglect, or betrayal.

VI. When to Involve a Mental Health Professional

• Signs that you're stuck: rumination, panic, substance use disorder, or persistent sadness.

• Seek help from a psychologist, psychiatrist, or mental health professional with trauma-informed care experience.

• Resources for finding care: find a therapist, family therapy, healing retreats, and community support networks.

VII. Long-Term Emotional Healing: Forgiveness as a Practice

• Integrating daily breathing techniques, meditation, and mindfulness to process emotion.

• Building resilience through supportive relationships, gratitude, and self-compassion.

• Using forgiveness as a tool to release the grip of past abuse, betrayal, or emotional trauma.

VIII. Conclusion

• Forgiveness is not a shortcut—it’s a form of mental health recovery.

• It's about reclaiming peace, stability, and emotional clarity—not pretending the hurt never happened.

• Encouragement to seek therapy, read Dr. Thomas’s work, and begin the path to healing from emotional neglect, abuse, or past wounds.

IX. Additional Resources

• Dr. Jennifer Thomas’s book: The 5 Apology Languages™

• Journaling prompts for exploring emotional trauma and forgiveness

• Resource links for online therapy, community counseling, and grief healing

• Access to emotion code healing, EFT, and other trauma-informed modalities