Mayor Bob Filner Steals the Spotlight From Anthony Weiner
Who could possibly pull the media spotlight away from Let-Us-Deal-With-This-Privately-Anthony-Weiner who is running for Mayor of New York City? It’s the… read more
Who could possibly pull the media spotlight away from Let-Us-Deal-With-This-Privately-Anthony-Weiner who is running for Mayor of New York City? It’s the… read more
In the introduction to “When Sorry Isn’t Enough”, Gary Chapman describes the path to the development of our new book…. read more
I’m often asked how I came up with the new concepts in “When Sorry Isn’t Enough”. I co-authored this book with Gary Chapman and it was released in May 2013. Here is an interview in which I answered that question: How did the idea of an apology language first come to your mind? During my six years of graduate training in clinical psychology at the University of Maryland, I made note cards about lessons I learned that might help my future clients. On these cards, I listed may Bible verses and quotes about conflict, forgiveness, grief, marriage, parenting, etc. Ten years ago, I made a note card that listed several different parts of an apology. At that time, I only had three parts of an apology, but I added to the list over the years and finally arrived at our five parts of an apology. [linkback]
A Quick Recap: Deen was deposed in connection with a sexual harassment lawsuit that was filed against her and her… read more
Forgiveness Does Not Heal Everything. We often have the mistaken idea that forgiveness will heal everything. Let me share three things that forgiveness does not do. (1) Forgiveness does not remove all the consequences of wrong doing. The father who abandons his children may repent ten years later, but forgiveness does not restore the ten years of void. [linkback]
In his book, Just Listen, Mark Goulston talks about how to give a strong apology. He says:
Is there someone you need to apologize to? If there is, don’t just say you’re sorry; give them a Power Apology. It has three parts:
1. Admit that you were wrong and that you’re sorry. Really own up to what you did — or failed to do. For example, “I jumped down your throat and berated you mercilessly when you didn’t get that report done on time. I was wrong to treat you that way and I am sorry.”
2. Show them you understand the effect it had on them. For instance, “And when I did that, and wouldn’t let it go, I think I made you feel cornered and probably anxious — and maybe even panicky.” You don’t need to jump to conclusions or make assumptions about what they must be feeling or thinking; just try to really put yourself in their shoes.
3. Tell them what you are going to do differently in the future so that it doesn’t happen again. [linkback]
Quite unexpectedly, he approached me and volunteered he had acted poorly years before. He apologized he had said things about me he found out were not true, and he had been too proud at the time to apologize. I apologized, too, for my behavior. As a lawyer supposedly trained to bleed away emotion and vitriol, I should have looked past the other lawyer’s comments at the time. In retrospect, I have concluded my wrong was the larger of the two, a wrong compounded by the passage of the years. I had a clearer sight line on the issue, but I squandered it on a cheap angle: my own pride and anger. In one of life’s shadowy twists, it was the other lawyer who came to possess what I did not: humility. [linkback]